Religious Zen

So, you want to get out?

Let me start by clarifying one point: this is not an anti-religion article. This is a pro-freedom article. I am not saying in any way that a particular religion is bad. I am saying that there are many situations that you can get into with a particular sect or offshoot of some spirituality that can lead to a drained, burned out, and hurt life.

There are endless cases of abuse and egotistic leaders dominating their adherents and gaining an unhealthy relationship with them. Maybe some of these things has happened to you. Or perhaps you are simply tiring of your current belief structure and want to reevaluate what you stand for. Either way, this article is for you.

Getting out.

Leaving a religion is never easy. Especially if it is one that you have held for most of your life or for a very long time. No doubt you have built up many friends in this religion who will look down on you if they find out, and you might even lose some of them. Family can be another issue as they can be some of our most cherished loved ones, and yet so hurtful when it comes to religion.

In my lifetime I grew up through most of my teens in Christianity. I was very into it and was considered a leader in the church and in the church’s youth group. All in all I held one leadership position or another for about 6 years. Eventually, I started changing how I felt about religion in general (that is an article for another day). It was a long and difficult process of wedging myself out of the system, especially since I was a leader. It is still effecting me to this day. I know first hand that it is not easy, but some things I have learned going through that experience may help you, so please read carefully. If you need any support simply know that you have it, and its only an e-mail away.

1. You are not going to hell. You could say hell, oblivion, annihilation, or any other number of various places where bad guys go in different religions. The fact is this: every religion has a form of hell. If you have had this mindset that a certain deity is going to punish you for your wrongdoings or being disobedient, you will do better right now to simply forget it. This will be very hard if you have been believing something for such a long time, but it will change, I promise.

2. Make new friends. This applies to those of you who have made friends within this particular religion. More than likely, they will look down on you and at the worst they can turn their backs on you or physically hurt you. Most of your friends will attempt to convert you back, or guilt you back into the religion. If you are going to truly never look back, then do so. Your real friends, religious or not, will stick by you no matter what kind of decisions you make. Those that don’t will be replaced by more loyal and better friends over time. Socialize a bit more with people that don’t believe the way you used to. You’re free now. You don’t have to view everybody as a ’sinner’ anymore, and can enjoy people for who they are without judging their every action.

3. Ignore the leaders. In leaving your old religion, you probably left some social and organizational obligations. Your old clergy will usually try, half-heartedly if you’re lucky, or very hard if you aren’t, to get you to come back. They may try to make you feel guilty, or they may just continue being friendly to you with the ulterior motive of getting you to come back into the fold. You are a new person now! Do not let anybody control your destiny but you, especially when most religious leaders have a financial interest in your being among them.

4. Find a new belief. You may want to consider reevaluating your beliefs. Do you believe in anything? Atheism is as a valid belief as any other. Is there something that draws you personally? Did another religion bring you out of your old one? Consider researching various philosophies about the universe, meaning, and life in general. A well rounded and level headed person will have at least considered different viewpoints other than their own at some point.

5. Go easy on your family. That’s right, you go easy on your family. One of their own has just made a life changing decision. Some family will be indifferent, and some will believe you are going to go to a very bad place for all eternity. No matter how insane and off the wall the reactions are, they are usually out of great love and concern. Do not add coals to the fire and use your newfound beliefs or nonebeliefs to constantly challenge your family at every turn. Even if they are at your throat, show them that your new beliefs have not effected you negatively. Strive to be a better person, especially when they are around. This may sound a little conceited, but it will help ease the transition in the long run.

6. Talk A LOT with your spouse. Before you ever even begin leaving your old religion, begin talking with your spouse. Do it in stages. Walking up to your spouse and saying, “I just joined a Wiccan coven dear, what’s for dinner?” will not go over well at all, or at least only if your spouse isn’t as open minded as you’d like. Treat your significant other as you treated yourself through this whole process. Chances are, you did not come to the realization of wanting to change religions all of a sudden. It was a gradual process. Therefore, let your significant other know in that same gradual process that you went through. Begin asking her questions about what she believes and why. Don’t be antagonistic, truly be interested. Discuss different viewpoints on life and open up possibilities. Overall, you and your spouse will become that much more closer for it.

7. Stay quiet at work, for now. If you were known to be the religious type at work, try to stay away from telling every single coworker that you just dropped your old beliefs. Even if they did not share your own old religion, a lot of people in the world can be very closed minded to those who go from one spiritual system to the next on a whim. It appears to many as a sign of weakness, however misguided that may be. Gradually make changes to any cubicle or office decorations (if you are allowed religious/anti religious material) instead of all at once. It’s sad to say but there is still a lot of prejudice in the workforce today and it can effect your job negatively. Baby-steps is the key here.

8. Don’t feel guilty. This goes a long with my first point, but is probably the most important one. Do not feel bad or apologetic about wanting to change yourself. You do not owe your life’s destiny to somebody who will not live with the consequences of your actions, only you will. Organized religion has a nasty habit of making people feel absolutely awful about disobeying their ‘rules.’ It is vital that you don’t feel guilty! There is nothing to feel guilty about, because:

You are all you’ve got.

In the end, the only person who cares about you more than anything else in the world is you and, if you are blessed, your spouse. This may sound harsh, and it may be a bit extreme, but very few people would work 40 hours a week and give you 100% of their paycheck without fail. Only you or your spouse would do that. Ultimately you owe it to yourself to find something that connects with you. Let it bring you joy, let it express- not depress- who you are as a person. Don’t let any religion or belief system be a ball and chain about your leg. Take off the shackles and be free! It’s what you were born to be.

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